Waverly

Acknowledgments xi

Introduction Three Myths That Are Harming Our Families 1

Out of the Chaos Patterns Emerge

Learning from Other People's Mistakes

Couples Living in Emotional Divorce

Taking Stock of Your Family

Myth #1: The More Attention We Give Our Kids, The Better They'll Turn Out

How You Relate to Your Spouse

Myth #2: Arguing Leads to Divorce

How You View Your Marriage

Myth #3: If We Feel Unfulfilled in Our Marriage, It's Because We Married the Wrong Person

Just One Degree of Change Alters the Rest of Your Life

Part 1 How We Hurt Our Kids Without Realizing It

1 How We Create a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy in Our Kids 16

When It Comes to Attention, Less Is More

Couples Who Live Like Roommates Harm Their Kids

How We Pass On Our Baggage

The Four Steps of Projection onto Our Children

Nature versus Nurture

The Mind-Body Connection: Our Minds Affect Our Kids' Bodies

Projection Summarized

Your Child Is Not Your Best Friend

A Wake-Up Call

2 Why We Kill Our Kids with Kindness 44

How versus Why

Like All Animals, Humans Wean Their Offspring

The Mother-Infant Bond: Ensuring Her Infant Will Thrive

Attunement: A Conversation between Caregiver and Child

Weaning: A Crucial Step for a Child's Independence

How Caregiver and Child Become "Addicted" to Each Other

Attunement: The Messenger of Escalating Anxiety

Our Brain's Amygdala: Once-Bitten, Twice-Shy

The Child Replays This Drama as an Adult

Summary

Part 2 How We Hurt Our Marriages, Which Hurts Our Kids

3 Why We Hurt Those We Love Most 78

We Don't Realize We're "Trigger-Happy"

Scapegoating: Spraying Our Anxiety onto Others

Blamers andSelf-Blamers

A Common Pattern Leading to a Troubled Spouse or Child

Less Drama, More Control

4 The Silent Killer of Marriage 100

The "Flight" in Our Fight-or-Flight Response

Avoiding Our Spouse Is Worse Than Arguing

Common Ways We Distance without Realizing It

5 Anxiety: The Cause of Drama in Relationships 115

What We Call "Stress" Is Actually Our Own Inner Anxiety

A Nervous Soldier on Guard Duty

Is It a Jungle Out There?

Programmed to Overreact

Imprinting: How We Pass Our Baggage On to Our Kids

Anxiety Spreads Quickly through the "Herd"

Incomplete Weaning versus Imprinting

Kids Pick Up On Everything: Mirror Neurons

Seeing the Vicious Cycle of Anxiety

Relief from Anxiety: Self-Awareness

Part 3 The Solution: To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First

6 The Grass Is Not Greener: You've Already Chosen Your Ideal Mate 144

Chemistry: A Primal Instinct between Mates

Similar Levels of Anxiety

Our Startle Reflex

What Brings Us Together Also Drives Us Apart

Chemistry Doesn't Lie, So Accept Your Mate

Playing the Hand We Were Dealt

7 Take a Crash Course on Your Family's History So You Don't Repeat It 162

Benefit #1: Accepting Your Loved Ones

Benefit #2: Improving Your Personality

Let's Go on Safari!

Benefit #3: Improving Your Marriage by Working with Your Parents

The Joy of Observing Yourself

I Want Inner Peace Now!

8 Look for the Problem in Yourself First 193

Step 1: Define Your Kid's Problem, and Search for That Same Problem within Yourself

Step 2: Trace Your Kid's Problem Back to Its Roots in Your Family of Origin

Step 3: View Your Child's Problem as a Sign of Anxiety in You or Your Marriage

If You Feel Guilty, Read This

Step 4: Recognize More of Your Own Drama So That You Will Be Less Anxious and Thus Pass Less Baggage On to Your Child

Summary: Avoiding the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

9 We Get So Much Good Advice, But Why Can't We Follow Through? 216

"Helping" Is Actually Hurting

How to Reduce Your Worry about What Others Think of You

Playing Detective and Solving Family Mysteries

Reunion: Bringing the Demons Out of the Closet

The Pay-Off

What True Compassion Means

Writing Out What You Believe

Want Happy Kids? Get a Life Yourself!

Message to Working Mothers: You Go, Girl!

10 Eat, Walk, and Talk Your Way to a Happier Family 246

Creating a Lifelong Friendship with Your Spouse

Bringing Life to Mealtimes

The Shortcut to Marital Bliss: Visit Your Parents

Where Do We Go from Here?

Notes 261